We learn from the painful experiences in life to avoid emotional hurt and shame. We learn to protect ourselves by remaining closed to sharing the whole of our selves with others. But, what if vulnerability is a key to unlocking the fullness of life? How do we find the courage to live with our whole heart?
Listen to a podcast of this sermon.
Readings
from "The Man in the Arena,"
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out
how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them
better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face
is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who
comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and
shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great
enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at
the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the
worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…"
a selection from "Courage," Anne Sexton
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It may surprise some of you that I
was an extremely shy child.
When we were younger, my brothers
and I would visit my mother’s office in downtown Chicago. And, as we walked around saying
hello to her co-workers, I would hide shyly behind her legs. Afraid to be seen or to speak to
anyone. When I was a bit older, friends
would call me up on the phone, and I was so shy, I’d refuse to
answer.
Well, I’ve changed quite a bit
since then. But the same fundamental fear still
presents itself at times. The fear of being totally and
completely seen. Totally and completely known by
others.
Brené Brown is a researcher and
professor of social work who has become a leading expert on vulnerability,
courage, and shame.
In 2010, she appeared before an
audience of 500 people in Houston, Texas and delivered a 20 minute talk
entitled “the power of vulnerability.” The talk was video recorded and put on
the web. That online video has now been viewed close to 7 million times.
Who would have thought
vulnerability would be such a popular topic?
Brown’s years of research led her
to this overarching claim: vulnerability is at the core of whole hearted
living.
The “whole hearted” as Brown
describes them are those who live with a sense of worthiness and who know love and
belonging.
Although Brown’s research is done
within an entirely secular context, I believe that it is precisely this - this “Whole
hearted living” – that is our primary religious and spiritual endeavor.
Actually, I wasn’t all too
surprised to learn that Brown herself is a religious person. And her
description for these people she found in her research who live from a place of
love and belonging, this phrase “whole hearted,” comes from a line in a prayer said
every Sunday in the Episcopal church service she attends.
Whole hearted living is a spiritual
endeavor that leads us to connection.
And vulnerability is at the core.
As an academic researcher, Brown
has a particular definition of vulnerability. One that I believe is helpful for
us as spiritual seekers.
Brown describes vulnerability as
uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
In her research, when she asked
people to finish the sentence: Vulnerability is___. These were some of the
responses:
Asking for help
Falling in love
Admitting I’m afraid
Helping my 37-yr-old wife with
Stage 4 breast cancer make decisions about her will
Reaching out to my son who is going
through a difficult divorce
Getting fired
Laying off employees
Trying something new
In her poem, Anne Sexton provides
these examples of vulnerability:
the child’s first step, as awesome
as an earthquake.
the first time you rode a bike,
wallowing up the sidewalk.
enduring a great despair,
facing old age and its natural
conclusion.
What these examples show us is that
to
live is to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability is right there in the
ordinariness of life.
Often, vulnerability is equated
with weakness. But, it is far from it.
In fact, we often admire
vulnerability in others. The way we see others being courageously honest and authentic. We name it as courage in others but
a sign of inadequacy or weakness in ourselves.
Yes, it is uncomfortable. And it
can lead us into difficult conversations we may rather not have.
Some of you here may end up taking
a course being offered here at USG called Having Your Voice to the End of Your
Life. Most of the class focuses on having
discussions about one’s end of life decisions – decisions about the medical
treatment you may or may not want at your time of death. I can hardly imagine conversations
that require more vulnerability than these. Uncomfortable, yes. Weakness, no.
For many, many years, people of
this congregation have engaged with each other in discussions about racism,
oppression, and multi-culturalism. Just last we week we had a town
hall gathering to focus in on these issues. And, I will dare say that if there
isn’t discomfort in these conversations, then we’re probably not being
vulnerable enough. When issues of privilege and
marginalization are being talked about, shame inevitably surfaces. And we want to run from that as
fast as we can.
Vulnerability is uncomfortable and
risky for sure. And because of this it also
necessitates being in relationships of trust and respect. We try to cultivate those here at
USG and I hope that you all feel that you have those people in your lives with
whom you feel safe being seen and know.
And, if vulnerability is not
weakness, it is also not being unsafe. I want to be clear that in no way am I
advocating for any of us to make ourselves vulnerable to unsafe situations. To physical or emotional harm or
abuse. Protecting ourselves from those who
might harm us in those ways is absolutely necessary.
I am, however, suggesting that we
see the entirety of our lives as a precious journey of vulnerability. No matter our age, our race, our
economic situation, we are all on this journey. And we can practice the art of
living vulnerably and courageously with greater intention and thoughtfulness.
One of the reasons I think Brené
Brown’s video and now follow-up book have become so popular is that embracing
vulnerability is a provocative counter-cultural message.
It is a far more common practice to
push away vulnerability than it is to allow it into our lives.
The broader culture in which we
live tells us that vulnerability is not something to strive for. In fact, we
should avoid it at all costs.
In the movie, Up in the Air, George Clooney plays the role of Ryan Bingham, a successful
business executive whose primary role can be described as “hire-to-fire.” He criss-crosses the country by
plane, living out of hotel rooms, shows up at various companies, and
orchestrates massive lay-offs. He meets one by one with dozens of
people at any given company to inform them they’ve been “let go.” In the movie, his boss hires a
young woman, Natalie Keener, a recent college graduate, who comes up with a way
to cut costs and revolutionize their line of work using technology.
In one poignant scene, Ryan and Natalie
arrive in Detroit. They enter the conference room of
the company which will serve as their home base for the day. Sitting on the table is a computer
screen. Their boss is on the screen,
sitting at his desk in Omaha. He informs Natalie that she will
take the reins to test out her revolutionary new system. And suddenly before
her is an image of a middle-aged man sitting at a table peering at the computer
screen with a bewildered look. She calls his name to get his
attention and mechanically begins her script. She informs him his position is
no longer available. He raises his voice in anger and they realize he is but 10
feet away sitting in a room on the other side of the wall directly in front of them. He begins to sob and looks away
completely distraught. Natalie has to say his name several
times before he finally gets up to leave. And, looking a bit shaken
themselves, Natalie and Ryan watch through a glass wall as the man walks past
the room they’ve been sitting in.
Sadly, this movie scene is all too
realistic.
It depicts our cultural aversion to
opening ourselves up emotionally. It depicts our desire to control and predict.
As the movie, Up in the Air shows, this particular tactic is especially common
with large companies.
But, we are not immune to this kind
of vulnerability avoidance ourselves.
Have you ever made an off-handed
and hurtful remark to someone and then simply pretended it made no impact on
them?
Or, have you ever focused on
performing so well at your job or on an exam that you minimize the risk of
failure?
Or, do you plan your day, your
week, your month, your year to eliminate uncertainty about the future?
Or, have you ever gone shopping as
a balm for receiving some bit of disappointing news?
Pretending.
Perfecting.
Making the uncertain certain.
Numbing.
All of these strategies are meant
to push away uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
Another reason I think Brown’s talk
has become so popular is that we’re waking up to an unwillingness to live from
a place of fear. Many of us are drawn to communities
like this one here at the Unitarian Society of Germantown because we know a
fuller life is possible. A life not based in notions of
scarcity, unworthiness, or fear but in gratitude, wholeness, and courage.
It is right here in our religious
community that we can practice this way of being together.
One of the most powerful points I
think Brown makes in her work is that we cannot selectively numb our emotions.
If we are trying to shield ourselves
from fear, shame, grief, sadness, and disappointment, we also cut ourselves off
from possibilities to experience love, belonging, and joy.
Because while vulnerability can
expose us to the negativity of fear and disappointment, it is also the
birthplace of connection and joy.
One of the greatest examples of
this in my own life has been my search for religious community. Many of you know that I was raised
Roman Catholic. And, I stopped identifying with
that tradition in college.
Well, I knew I had a longing to be
in some kind of religious community and I spent a number of years searching,
going to various church services. And each time that I showed up on
the steps of a new and different church was a moment of vulnerability. Of uncertainty, risk, and emotional
exposure.
Not knowing whether I would feel
like I belonged, or whether I’d find the kind of spiritual wholeness I was
looking for.
And my journey as a Unitarian
Universalist still feels fraught with this uncertainty. With the question – can I be all of
who I am here? can I be fully seen and known here?
One of my most vulnerable moments
as a Unitarian Universalist happened this past summer at our denominational Justice
General Assembly in Phoenix. The weeklong General Assembly
closed with an action of witness at Tent City, an outdoor prison known for its
inhumane conditions. I had to catch a flight that
evening and was extremely disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to participate. But they had set up a room at the
convention center for those of us who couldn’t go to Tent City to gather and
hold a space of witness of our own. And the week had been one of those
rare occasions when I felt like I had actually found my way in this spiritual
seeking. In this room, we mostly sang
together. And as we sang I felt as if each
person present was somehow peering right into me. Right into my soul. And with tears
streaming down my face, I joined my voice with others:
Oh, we give thanks, for this
precious day, for all gathered here, and those far away, for this time we
share, with love and care, oh, we give thanks for this precious day.
Gratitude.
Joy.
Hope.
This is vulnerability.
Attending to it takes courage.
The courage to tell the story of
who we are with our whole hearts.
To admit what we dream for and what
we need.
To risk failure.
To sit with discomfort.
The courage to just show up and to be
fully engaged in the living of our lives.
Brené Brown says that when she
realized vulnerability was at the core of whole hearted living, she was in for
a fight. Vulnerability pushed, she says, I pushed back. I lost the fight but
probably won my life back.
May we with courage grab a hold of
life and never let it go.
Benediction
For all who embrace life
May life return your affection
May you shine your light out into the world with courage
The whole of life awaits us.
Blessed be.
